hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
