You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
