I puked a lego.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
