What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
