I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
