the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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