I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Randomize
