I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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