allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
