We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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