they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
