3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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