Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
