i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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