i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
