I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
