i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
