Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
