I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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