I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
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i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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