hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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