i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
