glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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