Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
