This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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