I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
