I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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