You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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