i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Randomize
