OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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