she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
