I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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