is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
