I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
