She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
