I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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