You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
