apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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