im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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