I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
