I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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