i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
