Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My ATM looks so different sober.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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