I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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