I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
