What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Let's get the cat blown out
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
