Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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