i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
