Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
