I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
