I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
