I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
