absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
