if you like me you must not know who I am
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
