Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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