i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
