Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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