not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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