Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
